I neither asked for nor deserved what was done to me.

When I was 17 years old I was raped by two guys at a party.

During that season of my life, I was really rebellious towards my parents and I was going to random parties with random people. I became an alcoholic and I started doing drugs. I felt worthless and unlovable. There was so much heart ache and anger in my heart that I didn’t care about myself or the person that I was becoming. When I was 17, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for a few weeks because I tried to commit suicide in my high school bathroom. I was in love with this guy who dumped me for his ex. The relationship was short lived but after giving him my virginity, I felt used…and then I was raped. Everything happened in such a short period of time. After my rape, I felt unworthy of love. I started using drugs and alcohol to numb the pain I was feeling inside my heart. I turned to sex as a way to escape the reality of my life. I couldn’t talk to my parents about it or my best friends. I was stuck in this hole and when I looked in the mirror I couldn’t even recognize the girl that was looking back at me. Shortly after my rape, Eleazar (my husband) came back into my life. We became good friends again and started dating but in the beginning of our relationship, I was still so damaged. I was cheating on him and being really distant. I know it was something that he didn’t deserve and he always questioned why. I was afraid to tell him about my rape, but when I finally did he understood everything. He was there to help me cope with it all and he stood by my side even though at times I hurt him. I was afraid to let him love me and I was afraid to love him.

It has been almost five years since my rape and I can finally say I am in a better place. With the help of husband and God, I was able to pull myself out of that hole. There were a few things that I had to do in order to help myself.

  • I had to stop holding myself responsible for what happened to me. 

No. I never pressed charges against these two guys. I was drunk and high at the time I was raped, and I blamed myself. I kept saying, “well, If I was sober this wouldn’t have happened”. But in reality, it wasn’t my fault. I was taken advantage of and that was not okay. It took me a few years to accept that it was not my fault, but I am happy that I did. Accepting reality helped me with my next step.

  • I got help.

I started to see a psychiatrist once a week. This not only helped me cope with my rape but also with my molestation when I was younger and dealing with the fact that I was adopted. This step was probably the most helpful for me. 

  • I told someone.

I started to talk about it. For a long period of time, I never talked about it because I wanted to ignore the fact that it happened but I finally was able to tell my mother and then I was able to speak about it to other rape victims.

  • I stopped drinking and doing drugs. 

Once I got into a relationship with Eleazar, he helped me get my life back on track. He pushed me to finish high school and encouraged me to stop living the way I was. 

  • I forgave not only myself but my abusers.

I couldn’t hold onto the hate. I decided to forgive myself for everything that I did and I forgave the boys who raped me. It was the hardest step for me to do, but I couldn’t hold on to the pain or the past. In order for me to move forward, I had to let go of what was keeping me in that season of my life. The longer I held onto that night, the longer I was tempted to do drugs and drink…the longer I was tempted to cheat. I didn’t want to think of myself anymore as the girl who got raped. I wanted to be the girl who recovered and survived. 

 

Everyone heals at their own pace and in their own way. My way of healing may not be similar to the way you healed. If you are a victim of rape and you are stuck in that hole, the best advice I can give you is to get help. When I sought help, it was the best thing that I could have done for myself and for my healing process. I wouldn’t have been able to do it alone. I am at a place in my life where I am at peace with my past and my mistakes. I am loved by and in love with an amazing man who stood by my side and fought with me through the storm. Of course, at times my heart and mind remind me of the pain and I do get depressed but I have an amazing God and an amazing husband who helps me get through it and who reminds me just how much I am loved. I never want my daughter to experience the pain I had to… that is my worst fear in life. No one should have to go through that much pain. I don’t see myself as a victim anymore but as a survivor. I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.

No means No. If consent was not given it means no.

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I catfished someone

Disclaimer: This blog post is not intended to be disrespectful to men.

This is to get one thing straight. I am a human being. I have about a million flaws and at times I am insecure but that does not give you a right to point them out every chance you get.

Dear Guy I’ve Know for 10+ Years,

If you think I was born with naturally gold, glitter, eyelids… If you think my lips are naturally a deep red and my skin is flawless… if you think ANY woman in this world is born with a black wing across their eyelid… it might be time for you to receive a reality check. 

You inboxed me after I posted a picture of myself holding my daughter and I had no makeup on and you told me, “Wow, you are out here catfishing guys, huh? You look different in the picture of you holding your kid compared to your profile picture”.

 

How ignorant could you be? I fight myself every single day when I look in the mirror. A part of me wants to believe that I am beautiful and the other part hates myself because of people like you. I want to believe that I was created uniquely in Gods image but then people like you come around and point out every flaw I have. I look different without makeup? GOSH! I had no idea. My stomach isn’t flat? Oh yeah, I never noticed that. I don’t look like your typical dream girl? I’m sorry, was I supposed to? Why do boys expect women to look a certain way? We aren’t all going to look like the girls in your Playboy magazine or like the girls on Instagram. Even the most beautiful girl has flaws, but we don’t need arrogant boys like you pointing them out all the time. I don’t find my self-worth in you. I find my self-worth in God and in myself and when I do that, I then find a MAN who is worthy of me (Which I already have). My husband thinks I am the most beautiful woman on the planet. He reminds me of that every single time someone like you makes me hate myself. Because of my husband, I am realizing I don’t need a boy to validate who I am as a WOMAN. I don’t need your okay or approval to not wear makeup or to glam it up. I don’t need you or any other boys like you telling me that I’m not beautiful the way I am because I have God and I have my husband who reminds me every single day that I am. I am a woman created in Gods image, and there is so much more to me than what the naked eye can see. I don’t need to beg you to get to know me, nor do I need you to tell me that I am beautiful. I hope you read this and realize that your opinion doesn’t really matter. “Strong men, men who are truly role models, don’t need to put down women to make themselves feel powerful.” -Michelle Obama 

Sincerely,

A WOMAN who doesn’t need your validation.

Note to all my beautiful women out there: PRETTY IS NOT THE RENT YOU PAY TO EXIST IN THE WORLD AS A WOMAN.

 

If you live in Illinois, do this!

I apologize that I haven’t posted in two days but my husband finally had two days off and with his crazy work schedule we hardly get to spend time together as a family. We had the most relaxing weekend together! Something we haven’t had in a very long time.

Sunday, we visited this cute little farm called Lambs Farm. It is located in Libertyville, Illinois. If you live in Illinois or are coming by for a visit and want to find something cute, and simple to do with the family I definitely recommend this place. We did not have a lot to spend this weekend on anything that wasn’t groceries or gas so when we were looking to do something fun with Mila, Lambs Farm seemed perfect.

They had a variety of animals from ducks to a giant camel! They also have a miniature golf course, a train ride, and a small carousel. It’s the perfect place to go during the week if you are a stay at home mom and you are looking for something to do with the little ones that won’t put a dent your wallet. Parking was free, and they have a cafe to get snacks and a store to walk around in. Everyone here was so nice and sweet..even the animals! Honestly, it was the cutest little place and I can only imagine how adorable it’s going to look this fall! Check out their website and plan a visit! It’s worth it!

Lambs Farm Website

 

 

 

 

Being a mother saved me

 

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|Mila & Mommy|

 

Bullied, depression, anxiety, loss of identity, loss of trust, molestation, rape, heartbreak, drugs, becoming a nymphomaniac, finding love again, cheating, marriage, losing a friend, finding God, losing faith, becoming a mother, saved. 

Unforeseen: Something unforeseen is something that could not be predicted and was not expected. It’s a surprise.

Before becoming a mother, a wife, or a christian.. my life was in ruins. As a young child, I found out I was adopted. Right at the point in my life where I was trying to identify myself. I was molested by someone I trusted and loved. I was bullied for my weight. I was raped. I had my heart broken. I began doing drugs. I became addicted to sex. I found love again. I cheated. I got married. I lost a best friend. I found God. I lost my faith. I became a mother and then I was saved.

Everything isn’t perfect. Becoming a mother didn’t miraculously fix me but it did teach me more about love, patience, and forgiveness. Three things I’ve always needed in my life. Most mothers know when their child is to be born. My daughters birth was unforeseen. I had no idea she existed until I received a call from one biological sister. That call changed my life forever.

God works in mysterious ways. Just one of the many mottos I love to live by in my life. A year prior to my daughter’s birth, I had a miscarriage. I remember crying out to God asking him’ why?’. My husband and I tried for so long to start a family but every pregnancy test came back negative. When my doctor offered help, I said no. Even I was confused at my answer. Wouldn’t I have wanted the help getting pregnant? Something in my heart kept telling me to wait. I knew that something in my heart was God. So we waited.

I believe that everyone on this earth has a purpose destined for them. When God created us, he knew exactly who we were going to be. As our mother was shaped in her mother’s womb, and we shaped in our mothers, God knew us. God knew when my daughter was being created by two people she was not destined for them. She was destined for my husband and I. When she was born prematurely it wasn’t by mistake but by destiny because she came at just the right time. She came right in the middle of me losing faith. She came right when my marriage was failing. She came right when my husband had no more motivation to wake up as early as he does to work and do what he does. She came right when I felt most alone and right when my depression and anxiety were about to take over my soul. She came right in the middle of a crisis. God appears in the time of crisis. He appears when we feel like the world is on our shoulders. Right in the middle of my crisis, it was God who changed everything around. It was God who created the perfect daughter for me. It was God who sent a little angel to save me.

Love, patience, and forgiveness. Three things I needed in life and one little girl from God gave them to me.

Daily Word for the Weary Mom

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We all know that being a mother is exhausting, whether you are a stay at home momma or a working momma. Both can cause their fair share of stress. That is why it is important for us moms to stay in our word. Trust me, finding time to open up my Bible and read a verse is insanely difficult when there is a screaming, needy baby nearby but as mothers, we need that second of peace.

For the past few days, I have been overwhelmed with emotion and stress. My husband has been working insane hours and is gone a majority of the day. When he does get home he usually only has about two hours to spare with us before he has to get himself ready for bed. It’s been a very lonely week. On top of that, I’m trying to balance out both his family and mines. Before Mila came along my relationship with my mother and father was hardly a relationship at all but now that Mila is a part of our lives they want to be there more. It’s understandable but sometimes stresses me out. My job as a mom is to protect my child at all cost, that means physically and emotionally. My parents have been in and out of my life for as long as I can remember and it has taken a huge toll on my heart. I would never want Mila to feel like she isn’t wanted or only wanted in certain periods of her life. My husbands family has been great, but sometimes I feel they don’t understand the way I want to raise Mila. I personally believe that Mila needs time to ‘cry it out’. When I’ve changed her, fed her and put her down for a nap and she is still cranky, I usually just let her cry it out. I love to snuggle her and hold her close, but there are some moments when I have to put her down and she screams until she is picked back up again. I am currently trying to break her of that habit but it’s hard when other family members can’t respect the decision I have made.

Aside from that dealing with depression and anxiety is taking a huge toll on me and is affecting me as a mother and a wife. I used to see a psychiatrist every Friday but my busy mommy and wife schedule has forced me to give up something that helped keep me somewhat sane. I hardly have enough energy to clean the house and whatever ever energy I do have, I give that to my husband and daughter.

There are numerous amounts of things that contribute to my stress and make me a weary mommy, that is why I want to share with you a few Bible verses that help me get through the day. As a mom, my faith in God is really the only thing that keeps me going. Remember, to set a time for yourself and dive into the word. Breathe. You’re doing a great job.

Psalms 46:10 (NLT)

“Be still, and know that I am God!
    I will be honored by every nation.
    I will be honored throughout the world.”

Throughout all my stress I can’t worry. I need to learn to be still and trust that God has got this! 

Psalms 62:5-6 (NLT)

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
    for my hope is in him.
 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will not be shaken.

I will not be shaken! Believe that God is your foundation. When your world is trembling you will not be shaken.

Matthew 11:28-29 (NLT)

 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

I know we all have those days where everything is just too much to handle. We want to lock ourselves away..but just remember you are never alone. You don’t have to carry your burdens, give them to Jesus!

James 1:2-4 (NLT)

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

When your faith is being tested remember that you are growing like a flower in a field of weeds.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NLT)

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God works best when you are weak. Pray hard during weak times because that is when God works through you! 

Isaiah 40:30-31 (NLT)

Even youths will become weak and tired,
    and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.

‘Run and not grow weary’. Trust in God! He will provide you with the strength to get through whatever has your soul tired. 

Philippians 4:4-7 (NLT)

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

God is here to listen. He tells you that you never have to worry but instead pray. His promise is to love you endlessly and to be there. If you can’t find the words when you pray, just sit in silence. God knows what is in our hearts and he knows exactly what we need. Trust in Him. 

 

Bucket List: 8 before 30

Two months from today I’ll be turning 22.

I’ve realized that I never really sat down and asked myself what I want exactly out of life. So I decided to create a bucket list of 8 things I would like to complete/do before turning 30 since I have 8 years left until then.

  1. Learn to love my body by embracing it and treating it right.

What can I say, there is more of me to love. But the society we live in teaches us not to love ourselves. We always think that we have to look a certain way or be a certain way to be excepted by others when in reality we should love ourselves enough to not care what anyone else thinks. Comparison is the death of confidence. I have a bad habit of comparing myself to other women. If I am out at a waterpark, I’ll always doubt how I look in my bathing suit and tell myself that if I was skinnier like that girl over there, I would probably look way better. Doing this has lowered my confidence to a point that feels unrepairable and sometimes gets in the way of my relationship with my husband. Everyone is insecure about something but we shouldn’t hate ourselves just because someone points out our flaws. Everyone is beautiful in their own way.

     2. Take a baking and a cooking class.

Now, how fun does that sound! I love to bake and cook but I would love to learn more. Cupcakes are one of my absolute favorite things to bake so a baking class that teaches me how to bake different kinds of cupcakes would be awesome. For a cooking class, I’d love to do something that teaches me how to make healthy meals so I can prepare a healthier dinner for my family.

     3. Adopt Mila.

Guardianship is a blessing but adopting her would mean the entire world to my family and I.

     4. Swim with dolphins.

Ever since I was a little girl I have been in love with ocean life. Dolphins are my favorite. It would be a dream to swim with them and actually get to touch one. I must ask google where that might be possible at an affordable rate.

 

    5. Buy a Jeep Wrangler.

My dream car! I would love to own one of these and take a road trip with the doors and roof off!

   6. Visit Harry Potter World.

I’m sure my husband would love to do this too since he is also a huge Harry Potter fan.

   7. Throw a dart at a map of the United States and take a road trip to wherever it lands.

I want to take a road trip but I never know where to. I think this would be a fun idea to try one of these summers.

   8. Move to Texas and buy a house.

Since my husband and I first started dating our dream was to move to Texas and start a life there.

Well, there you have it. 8 things to complete/do before 30. I hope when I’m 30 I’m flirty and thriving. 😉

June Favorite | Lush Cup O’ Coffee Face & Body Mask

Lush Cup O’ Coffee Face & Body Mask

I know I am a little late but I promise I’ll list my favorite beauty item at the end of every month!

JUNE

I am super excited to share this wonderful product with you! Lush Cosmetics has a range of amazing products that I like to use but the Cup O’ Coffee Face & Body Mask is the absolute best! Before, I would like to use it in the winter since I get really dry, flaky skin but I noticed this summer my skin has been dry and flaky. Probably due to the fact that I am spending more time in the sun and at the water park than home in bed. I figured I would give it a try since it usually works for me in the winter time. BEST DECISION EVER. You all know I love my coffee so using this first thing in the morning leaves the aroma of fresh brewed coffee on my skin. It’s a scent that is slightly heavy when scrubbing that provides a nice kick start to the day but doesn’t linger too strongly after rinsing, so its safe to wear your favorite body mist or perfume. The coffee grounds scrub away all my dead skin revealing a glow to my face afterwards. It definitely removes any dirt or left over makeup. If you are the type that doesn’t like too much exfoliation then maybe steer away from this one. The coffee grounds act as a powerful exfoliater removing that yucky dry skin and leaving soft, glowy skin. I’m the type of girl who loves a good scrub because I want to make sure all my flaky skin is gone!  It’s perfect to use all over your body. Sometimes I use it right after I shave because it makes my legs soft and provides them with a nice shine.

When I use the Cup O’ Coffee Face & Body Mask I like wet my face first using nice warm water. I then take some of the product on my fingers and then scrub it in circular motions all over my face, applying more as needed. I then let it sit for a good 5-10 minutes and then rinse off with a nice cool splash of water. It wakes not only just my skin up but it wakes me up also. This mask is amazing to use at the start of every morning. After using this scrub my makeup application is amazing..but we all know being a mother doesn’t allow you much time to do makeup, so the good thing is that this mask leaves your skin looking so good you won’t even need makeup. I also love that it’s a mask, so when I wake up I can put it on and leave it on while I take care of Mila. Once she is fed and relaxed I just rinse it off and I feel super refreshed.
If you love coffee just as much as I do then this is a NEED! I definitely recommend this item. It’s also Vegan if that’s your thing.

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|Price:| 5.2 oz – $10.95
  11.4 oz – $19.95

Click here to purchase!